Telling Tales on Each Other

Matthew: Mama! Brandon hit me!

Mama: Brandon, did you hit Matthew?

Brandon: Yes, I did, but he headbutted me . . . twice!

Mama: Matthew, did you headbutt your brother?

Matthew: Yes -- like Shrek! (There's a scene in Shrek 2 where Princess Fiona headbutts Prince Charming because he's trying to use Love Potion #9 to make her fall in love with him. You'd know this if you had a toddler and have watched Shrek 2 one hundred gazillion times.)

Mama: Matt, it's not nice to headbutt people. That's why Brandon hit you.

Matthew: He hit me. Like this! (Slaps himself in the face. Hard.)

Mama: Well, don't headbutt people and they probably won't slap you in the face.

Brandon: I'm surprised he told the truth. I was going to correct him if he lied.

Mama: Thanks for your assistance in this matter, Brandon. Now both of you, go to bed! And no more random acts of violence!