The Nuclear Meltdown to End All Nuclear Meltdowns

I knew we were in for it when I picked Matthew up and saw this sign at daycare: "Presidential Visit Wednesday: Road Closures." Great. Just because G-Dub moseys down to Clayton on Wednesday, I have to deal with road closures and alternate routes. You'd think that he'd helicopter in and out to avoid inconveniencing his tax-paying subjects on a work day.

Anyway, I picked up the little guy and made my way to get medium sized guy at his school. As we got out to the car, Matthew asserted his independence and wanted to buckle himself into the car seat. I let him try for, oh, about 3 seconds before I decided that we'd be here until dark waiting on him to align the seat belt properly, so I attempted to help him.

The screaming began. The. Screaming. It was as if I had yanked out all of his toenails and then stomped on his foot. The Screaming was accompanied by The Writhing and The Convulsing. I buckled him in, got in the car and wished for silence. I tried distraction -- let's go home! With the singsongy, sweet voice and all.

This only fueled The Screaming. Now the creature demanded I turn left on the road and go to the store and get him a LUNCHABLE. NOW. I turned right. Now I'm getting mad.

The rest of the night continued with scattered outbursts of Screaming. At one point, he repeated, "I want chips" at least 47 times in a row. I ignored him. He attempted to turn my head towards him as he chanted, "IwantchipsIwantchipsIwantchips." He is persistent and focused. He only wants one thing: chips. He will not be placated until he has chips in his grubby little hands. Must. Resist. The. Urge. To. Strangle.

After dinner, he was just plain cantankerous. He decided not to eat chips after he demanded them and he dumped the remnants of his spaghetti on the rug for Moose to eat. Unfortunately, he did not think about the tomato sauce staining the rug, and he did not calculate that his mother's wrath would come down so furiously. So, about 7:30, I put him in his bed with instructions to GO TO SLEEP and I left the room. Monumental Nuclear Meltdown. There was screaming. There was writhing. There was rending of garments. Fire and brimstone rained down in his bedroom and burning sulfur wafted through the house. Moose took cover under the end table.

I sat very quietly on the top step of the staircase, listening to the screaming, the audible writhing and resisting the urge to throw myself down the stairs in a vain attempt to stop the noise.

15 minutes later . . .

I'm still sitting on the top step. Suddenly, it is quiet. A wave of relief passes over me, and I silently get up to check and make sure he is still in the bed and hasn't fallen into the earth's core in the hole left by his nuclear meltdown. I turn to face his door, and he's standing in the doorway.

Curses! He refuses to fall asleep. I've tried everything. We've now passed into a battle of wills. He's sitting behind me, still and quiet on the futon as I write this. He's silent. He's exhausted from the physical exertion of throwing a monumental fit, but he is NOT going to give in, by God. He's going to outlast me. Glassy eyed, he's sucking his thumb and twirling his hair and watching me, intently.

I hope this is not a sign of things to come. I really should have consulted the Chinese Zodiac Signs when planning our family. See, I am an Ox. Matthew is a Goat:

The Ox and the Goat may have to work to make their relationship flow smoothly since, as Opposite Signs in the Chinese Zodiac, their relationship may be marked by friction. The problem results from these two Signs' opposing sensibilities: The dreamy, eccentric Goat is bound to find the conservative, sensible Ox to be a restrictive influence, while the strong and practical Ox is likely to find the sensitive and high-strung Goat to be overemotional, even irrational. None of these qualities is inherently negative, but these particular Signs may well find themselves straining against the confines imposed by the other's personality.

Now for the second attempt for bedtime. May the force be with me.